Relationships are one of life’s greatest joys—but they can also be incredibly challenging. Even the strongest couples make mistakes that can lead to disconnection and tension. The good news is that these common pitfalls can be avoided or repaired with the right tools. As a Marin therapist specializing in couples therapy, I often work with couples to help them navigate these challenges and strengthen their relationships.
Below, I’ll outline the top mistakes couples make and what to do instead, based on principles from Relational Life Therapy (RLT). Whether you’re seeking couples therapy in Marin or simply looking to improve your relationship, these tips can help.
1. Mistake: Focusing on Winning the Argument
It’s tempting to see disagreements as a competition, but when one partner “wins,” the relationship loses. This approach creates distance and leaves both partners feeling unheard.
What to do instead:Shift your mindset from competition to collaboration. Instead of trying to “win,” focus on understanding each other’s perspective.
Practice:During disagreements, use reflective listening. For example:
Partner A: “I feel like my needs are being ignored.”
Partner B: “It sounds like you’re feeling overlooked. I’d like to understand more about what you need.”
2. Mistake: Avoiding Conflict Altogether
Many couples fear conflict, so they avoid it at all costs. While this may feel like keeping the peace, unresolved issues often grow into resentment and emotional distance.
What to do instead:Address issues early with honesty and vulnerability. Tackling conflict directly—yet gently—helps build trust and deeper understanding.
Practice:Use a “soft startup” to begin difficult conversations.Instead of: “You never help with anything!”Try: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately and could really use more help. Can we talk about how to divide things more evenly?”
3. Mistake: Blaming Instead of Owning
Blame is a common defense mechanism, but it creates defensiveness and shuts down productive communication.
What to do instead:Take accountability for your part in the issue. In therapy in Marin, we emphasize that relationships are co-created, and owning your role fosters trust and cooperation.
Practice:Replace “you” statements with “I” statements. For example:Instead of: “You’re so thoughtless!”Try: “When I don’t hear from you during the day, I feel disconnected. Could we check in more often?”
4. Mistake: Letting Power Imbalances Fester
In some relationships, one partner takes on more responsibilities (over-functioning) while the other withdraws (under-functioning). This dynamic can create resentment and erode trust.
What to do instead:Strive for balance by sharing responsibilities and supporting each other. Healthy relationships are built on mutual effort.
Practice:Have weekly check-ins to discuss the balance of roles in your relationship. Ask each other:
“Is there anything I can help with this week?”
“What do you need to feel supported?”
5. Mistake: Neglecting Repair After Conflict
Every couple fights—it’s normal. What sets healthy couples apart is how they repair after disagreements. Avoiding repair leaves wounds unhealed and creates emotional distance.
What to do instead:Make repair a priority. Acknowledge your role, apologize sincerely, and work together to heal.
Practice:After an argument, revisit the issue calmly. For example:
“I realize I was harsh earlier. I’m sorry for how I spoke to you. How can I make this right?”
6. Mistake: Using Shame or Criticism
Shaming or criticizing your partner damages trust and intimacy. Over time, it can create emotional walls that are hard to break down.
What to do instead:Communicate concerns with kindness and focus on behaviors rather than attacking your partner’s character.
Practice:Instead of: “You’re so selfish!”Try: “When you didn’t tell me about your plans, I felt excluded. Can we agree to check in with each other before making decisions like that?”
7. Mistake: Neglecting Emotional Intimacy
Life’s demands can push emotional connection to the back burner. Over time, couples may drift apart, focusing only on logistics like bills, work, and chores.
What to do instead:Make time for emotional connection. Building intimacy doesn’t have to be complicated—it’s about being present and intentional with each other.
Practice:Create small rituals of connection, such as:
Sharing one thing you appreciate about your partner each day.
Taking a short walk together after dinner to check in emotionally.
Planning a regular date night, even if it’s at home.
Strengthen Your Relationship with Couples Therapy in Marin
Making mistakes is part of being human—but how you address those mistakes can make or break your relationship. By practicing these healthier habits, you can create a stronger, more connected partnership.
If you’re feeling stuck in your relationship, therapy in Marin can help. As a therapist specializing in couples therapy, I provide a supportive space for partners to identify and change unhelpful patterns, build trust, and deepen their connection.
Contact us today to learn more about couples therapy in Marin and how it can transform your relationship.
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